A few poetic gems

Josh has brought out the songwriter in me. Whenever we're alone we'll start humming, then he'll start beat boxing, then we'll dance and start spitting some ill rhymes that are ridiculous and would be ever so embarrassing if anyone ever heard them. Have you heard the rap he wrote for me for my birthday? Entitled: Kri$ali$. 

I'm here with my friend, her name is Kristi. 

A week since the picnic, I'm sure she's missed me. 

It seems just like yesterday we were hanging out and playing games

But everything just seems to change, Yo

That's how it goes

She's so sweet, we call her Krispy Kreme

She's so bright, a light shining beam

You're so pretty, you make the girls jealous

This here Josh, has to fight off all the fellas

Kristi, Krisalis, she doesn't even know how cool she is

Kristi, Krispy Kreme, she likes how I groove and how I lean

We all freak out when you come to our home (Hey Kristi!)

That's why we decided to write you this poem

Sunday dinner comes around, and there's family all around, you still take time to talk to me

In the summer in our town we'll go swimming won't let you drown, \

Chips and soda we will pound, and some orange juice possibly. 

YTB, you're the best, when you leave we get depressed

K to the R, I to the S, it's someone's party can you guess?

Kristi, Krisalis, she doesn't even know how cool she is

Kristi, Krispy Kreme, she likes how I groove and how I lean

We've been so busy lately, hence the lack of blogging for months. One night not so long ago we were both studying hard and I glanced up to see him passed out on the ground, too tired to keep going. He had worked 6 hours that day and then gone to school, and had been doing homework ever since. And suddenly I felt so poetic and scribbled down my first ever poem. 

My first ever poem for you

you're lying on the ground right now looking so tired

probably worried about school and not getting fired

you're such a sleepy mouse cause you worked so hard

you even ran to the bus to work off some booty-lard

Joshy oh joshy now it's time to sleep

I can't wait to cuddle you and play with your bare feet

I'm so glad you're mine, without you I'd be so glum

I love you forever, from your Bieber hair down to your tiny bum.

I shook him awake and led him to our bed and the hum of his slight-snore told me he was asleep for good. We are so busy, but that's just how life is.  But through it all we'll have our silly songs to keep us upbeat.

Woof

I'm trying to be a good wife so I was cleaning away and I got to the kitchen and I thought,
"I'm feeling super ambitious and maybe I'll even deep clean, hmmm, I'll start by pulling out the oven"

OH MY GOSH!
(covers mouth with hand)

This is what I found

dry heave

I have a feeling this is why our apartment sorta reeks.
Can you imagine the years it's been like this? The sicknesses it's caused? When Provo was founded I bet this apartment used to be a horse stall and before letting civilized human beings live it in they didn't even bother cleaning it up. I've been sleeping in the next room for two months and this grim and utter filth has been just sitting there!!! The horror!
Interesting objects found in the pile:
* a toy car
* a child's toothbrush
* a handful of M&Ms
*a garlic clove
* a crayon
* fruit snacks
* a tomato slice


An hour and a half later it looked like this

And then I puked (joke). Just one of the joys of living in rat infested Provo. gross. 

Home alone again.

Just got a little bit electrocuted by the hair-dryer spontaneously combusting on me.
 Instead of leaving this life by simply shutting off, instead it felt the need to spark brighter than the sun in my hands and go from 0-5 million degrees in .2 seconds and transform into a heap of burnt rubber and plastic on my bathroom floor.

What a drama queen.

 

Anxiety will be the death of me

This is not true. I would be very scared to have me taking care of you.

CLINICALS.

Yuck. Great things about clinicals:
1) Nurses.  I am entering the nursing field these days because I have a burning desire to not be such a meanie as it seems 95% of the nurses I get paired with are. When I meet nice, NORMAL, kind people in every day life and they tell me they're a nurse I skeptically ask them again. Are you sure you're a nurse? Cause you aare pretty nice and haven't looked at me like I'm the scum of the earth and we met a whole 5 minutes ago.

2) Clinicals are a great way to show everyone how dumb you are. If ever I feel like I'm getting the hang of things, I  volunteer to get my nurse some IV tubing, and after frantically searching and staring at the supply wall for 10 painful minutes and still not being able to spot it, she then she walks in and grabs it first thing without saying a word. "I was just about to a spot it, Nurse Nancy! Uh, sorry about that! Next time I'll know where it is! haha *elbow nudge haha!!" (In my head: stupid Kristi, stupid. C'mon! get ahold of yourself you dumb A!)

3) It's also very fun to be a creepy little stalker to someone you just met. I especially love when they get up and you follow them, just to have them turn around and say "uh, I'm just going to the bathroom, you're alright."
shoooooooooot.

I got home from work at 9 o'clock on Friday and with one look Josh knew I wasn't doing so good. He held me in his arms as I cried and moaned "Maybe let's just run away forever and never come back?"
I set my alarm for 3:50 A.M. which is neither morning nor night, instead it just exists and no one ever talks to it or tries to form a relationship with it because it's lame and useless and will just end up pissing you off. But instead of 5 hours of sleep, I got 3 1/2  hours of level 10/10 anxiety and Josh got an all night therapy session.

"It's ok Kris"
"IMA DIE TOMORROW!"
"It's ok Kris"
"I'm the stupidest girl in the class!"
"It's ok Kris"
"I'm Screwed!"
"It's ok Kris"

Until finally he coaxed me into sleep for 1 1/2 hours and I had a weird dream of him getting us a pet monkey that I was really pissed about.
When the alarm rang I got up in an absolute stupor and was out the door by 4:15. Have you ever seen how empty the roads are at 4:15? Of course you haven't because NO ONE IS UP. The partiers are smart enough to go to bed by then, and the people up for work don't even get up that eary. As I drove past Denny's however, the place was packed. Of course it was, only dummies go to Denny's and only dummies are up at 4:15 (IHOP is delicious).

As expected, I freaked out all day, and bit my nails a lot, and gave a little pep talk to my 8 day old patient who wouldn't stop screaming as I fed him and asked him nicely if he'd stop so the nurse wouldn't be mad at me when he came back.

The best part of the day? When I got home Josh was carrying a bag. I asked what's in the bag. Nothing baby. What's in the bag? Toothpaste and stuff. That's not toothpaste, that's Twizzlers. And orange juice, and Blowpops, and EVERY KIND OF CANDY I LOVE! YOU ARE THE BEST HUSBAND EVER!

And I ate myself into blissful comatose Twizzler submission.

Sassy Pants

I'm a Wilson girl, and if you know the Wilson girls, they're sassy. I am no exception. Except, I'm the worst kind of sassy. I feel bad about being sassy. No one will ever get the best of me, but after I rip them apart and make sure there is no dignity or happiness left in their world, I feel like complete dirt.

I got super sassy at Seven Peaks yesterday.

We left the park at approximately 4:45. As we are walking to our car, we see Josh's sister, Brittany. She is just arriving for the day. Since we JUST left, I figured they'd let us back in, no problem.

HUGE problem.
I wonder if I could have stopped time right then, like in the movies, and looked forward in the future, if I would have turned back. Probably not, because I'm a complete spit-fire I and love a good fight with management. If anything I would have prepped my argument better and would have been even more impressive.

We went to the gate, and this beefy human said we couldn't get back in. I tried to keep my cool, but after 2 or 3 STRONG implications that I was lying, I went sort of Ape s***.
You can't come back in. You don't have a hand stamp.
THEY DIDN'T GIVE ME A HAND STAMP!
you don't have a ticket.
THEY THREW MY TICKET AWAY WHEN I WENT IN 5 HOURS AGO!
We have a policy (jibberish jibberish jibberish jibberish) to be total jerks to our customers
TALK TO ME LIKE A HUMAN BEING FOR ONE SECOND.
We have a Policy, policy, policy, policy, POLICY POLLLLLLICYYYY

In total, there five S-words, and 2 B-words thrown out, and one final confrontation where he stood in front of me and barricaded my way into the park. I was trying to leave, but he thought I was making a run for it.
WHAT, ARE YOU GOING TO TACKLE ME??! WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
Eric Buttface Jacobs, ma'am and I'm the head manager....
WHATEVER I'M TELLING YOUR BOSS ABOUT THIS

*Storm out in complete head splitting anger.

I went home and wrote a novel to send to his boss. Then, my personality split and I started bawling.

I FEEL SO BAD JOSH!
It's ok baby
ERIC PROBABLY HAS A WIFE AND A KID AND HE'S GONNA TELL THEM ALL ABOUT THE CRAZY LADY WHO FREAKED OUT AT HIM TODAY!!!
He was being mean, Kris, it's not totally your fault
I'M THE WORST HUMAN BEING EVER!
CRYING CRYING CRYING CRYING

I thought seriously about going down to Seven Peaks and apologizing face to face, but I worried there was a warrant out for my arrest and that I'd get capped by Eric before I even got a word in edgewise.
So if you're out there Eric:
You were mean, and I still think I was right.
But I shouldn't have called your "policies" the S-word
And asked you how you slept at night
And called you a moron
And contemplated egging your house
When we meet again in real life don't call me a liar
And I won't think seriously about kicking you in the balls

I'm a 22 year old with a temper that resembles a 5 year old, but a conscience that is growing older by the day. Kind of a bad combo, but Josh loves me.
Thank goodness for that.

It's a little scary

When your husband goes to work and you're getting dressed by yourself and your arm gets caught in your dress and you can't get it out and you think I love this dress but maybe I should just grab those scissors and cut my way out of it, and you start getting all claustrophobic and sweaty and the fight or flight response kicks in and your pupils dilate and your heart rate races and your breathing is heavy and you are twisting and fighting and thoughts go through your head like

Will I be like this forever?
Is there any hope?
Holy S*** I'm going to die like this

And just then your writhing, contorted hand breaks free and you know that all is well in the world again.

Ok, now, which shoes should I wear with this?....

Pinterest gives me unreal expectations about what my iPhone cupcakes should look like

Meet Brad.
Lover of his iPhone. In the Anderson rankings it would easily beat all the children for most loved. His birthday was last week so Brittany and I decided to try and hone in on that love and maybe have it transferred to us by association.

Pinterest (if you don't know what this is, don't google it. It will take away your life with no remorse) gave us the template:

and after toiling into the night we came out with this:

little greasy, but pretty good, wouldn't you say? Even if you wouldn't say I would say.
This photo set doesn't include me cursing heaven for starting another craft project that was way over my head and begging Brittany to stop,  nor the inch thick layer of crisco and marshmallows and powdered sugar and human sweat and tears that coated the Lewis's countertops afterward.

All's well that ends well.

brad pretending the iPhone was real! How silly!

The first month

I love you because 

you make me belly laugh at least once every day

you want to beat me up when I do something too cute

you are completely out of it when you wake up in the morning

and you text me pictures like this when I'm having a bad day

YTB baby. YTB*.

*"you're the best" copyright Josh 

Marathon Day 2011

Last week I had my first Saturday off in forever. Well, since my honeymoon. A whole three weeks! So we decided to make the absolute best of it. We slept in and then called the most riotous, adventurous, and exciting people we know to ask them to share it with us.
"Get up you lazys!" Ber and Peeps were in.

And that's how the marathon day was born.

Adventure one: Hiking Stuart Falls
We got on the Sundance lift (which still scares me a little bit, don't judge) and hiked in that way. Baby Breck has a  seat that is lazy-boy- recliner-esque that straps to JP's back, which allowed her to come along, and snooze mid hike.

Breck is more hardcore than me

sealion style kiss

Adventure two: Floatin' The Prov'

I could probs do a whole post about this event alone, but let's just say I was terrified. screaming. For some reason my $8 "pleasure craft" CRUISED way faster than anyone else's and I thought the mighty waters would take me away, never to be seen again. As I screamed back to my husband for help, I was not comforted, but met with belly laughs from the whole crew! I thought I was going to lose my life, buttheads. 

The only thing I did lose were my Ray Bans

(pause for remorse)

when I tipped completely and fell into the Titanic cold water. If you know me at all you know this is a great tragedy.

post rafting, sans sunglasses*

*Breck did not perish in the waters, she was napping. 

Adventure three: Thai Food 

it was tasty. 

Adventure four: Biking to get Summer Snow

On the ride there, this is when Brittany composed the Marathon day song. It goes something like

"We're having lots of fun

It's a MAR-A-THON

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah."

I can't even remember how Breck got there. Ah, yes. The baby trailer. I was like, "when did Breck learn to ride a bike?" silly me.

starting to get weary

Adventure five: Movie at the Lewis's

This is when I pooped out on Brittany. Too lazy to pose for a picture of even move my legs, I fell asleep probably 10 minutes in. 

babies need their sleep

Adventure six: Longboarding down the canyon

This never happened. Brittany suggested it at 1:00 a.m. With no more pride left in me, I begged for my sleep like a prisoner begs for food. On my hands and knees, near tears. 

I got the title of party pooper, but I didn't die cause I feel asleep on my longboard going 30 mph. I'll take not dying. 

I just don't have your stamina, Breck.

I wonder what's in store for Marathon Day 2012. Thanks for a great day friends. 

We're rolling in it.

Our wedding cheddar spread on my naked husband's bod

For now, we're rich. 

Brad, Rich, and the Debbie's friends were all very generous. This allows us to buy soda by the caseload and splurge on $7 boxes of goldfish, and also pose for awesome pictures such as this one. 

Mattress woes

Our bed is a QUEEN.

I understood it to be a FULL (when we registered for sheets).

the bed is too fat

When I called my sister today in a tizzy after trying to muscle on a FULL fitted sheet to my QUEEN mattress and asked her opinion on my bed size, she replied, "Oh, yes. mmmhmm. it's definitely a Queen. Much bigger than a full. 'Cause when I took a class on bedroom furniture at Yale they molded my eyes into skilled and trained bed size detecting machines."  

OK, so she wasn't that smug. (she didn't even go to Yale, guys, that was a lie). It's been great since then, trying to meticulously fold the sheets back into their carrying case in hopes that Target will let me return them. Do you think there are sheet-folding elves hidden in the walls of Target? Have you seen how they package 100 yards of sheet into a bag the size of a tissue box? It's unnatural.

After my best efforts, I sheepishly handed my crumpled bag-o-sheets to the Target return lady and explained the situation. She keep looking at the bag, wary of its crumpled-ness. Just give it to the elves, lady. sheesh. 

She must have remembered them, because now my bed is made with sheets that go on without trouble, and I am equipped with a few more facts that are must-knows for wifeys. The most interesting tidbit I discovered today? What a California King is. I'd wish for one if I was more confident that its enormity wouldn't make Josh and I lose touch. "Oh, you've been on that side of the bed for 50 years? I thought you'd packed up and left a long time ago. Sorry, our bed is a mile wide and you were out of hearing range." 

Makin' progress. 

Much love, Kris.

i made effing quiche

and it was a little garlicky and josh burnt his mouth, and embarrassingly it was the first meal i've made in several years (if ever) but it was edible and that's the real concern here.

picture to document 

I'm on a mission to find as many vegetarian recipes, as my other half doesn't eat animal flesh. So if you have any good ones send them my way!

In the meantime I'll just be making quiche for every meal. 

A Couple of Babies

I'm still uncomfortable with how hard this blog business is. The format of this is still frying my brain. Like, look up there at the title. Why is the "J" cut off? I don't know. And it's not like I didn't spend 20 minutes trying to figure it out. Don't even get me STARTED on cute titles. It seems as if while the rest of the world was majoring in Graphic Design I was struggling learning the Ctrl+C Ctrl+V magic trick in Word. What the F? excuse the harsh letter.
Rant complete.

It seems as if this is a good segway into the title of this post, and indeed the title of the blog. Recently married, Josh and I are both the babies in our families. Thus, we have little knowledge of things that everyone around us seems to know lots about. This is often puzzling, humbling, frightening, flabbergasting, and always hilarious. Example: On our second day of being married we found ourselves in Atlanta, calling every pizza place in a 10 mile radius begging them to feed us at 12:30 am. after just fighting off smelly Italians for our crappy hotel room. But my husband is resourceful and took our fistful of cash and bought his crying wife a dinner of M&M’s and Fritos out of the Day’s Inn vending machine. “How did anyone trust us to be married?!” Josh asked. “We’re just a couple of babies!”

So read our blog, cause we’re the coolest people we know. We may be babies, but we’re hilarious and it’ll probably make you feel better about your grown-up prowess. We hope you love watching us grow up together.

This is too hard!!!!

Josh and I already hate this blog.

We just spent an entire evening trying to get the blog title smaller and are pulling our hair out!!! OMG this is the worst idea we ever had!

Um... Kris...

You need to start posting on our bog.